Do women ‘delegate’ to their partners at home?
I was recently asked to speak at an International Women’s Day event about the challenges of working and parenting. One of the most interesting questions that came up was how women can more effectively ‘delegate’ to their partners at home.
Is it just sharing parental responsibility?
I was fascinated by the word ‘delegate’ in this context. Are women delegating, or are they sharing parental responsibility?
It is widely acknowledged that women typically carry the mental burden of parenthood. In fact, according to research by McKinsey* women are 1.5 times more likely than fathers to spend an additional three or more hours per day on housework and childcare. So not only do they work hard at work, they work hard at home. So what leads to this imbalance, and can you spot it in the women who work for you?
Restrict or control the involvement of fathers?
Mark Travers, writing in Forbes.com** describes Maternal Gatekeeping as the ‘behaviors and attitudes of mothers that restrict or control the involvement of fathers or other caregivers in parenting tasks and decision-making. Mothers may unintentionally or intentionally inhibit the father’s participation in responsibilities such as feeding, bathing or disciplining children, thereby controlling when the “gate” to contributing to their child’s life opens and closes.’
There are lots of reasons why a woman may gate-keep at home, one of which is perfectionism. And perfectionism doesn’t just show up at home through maternal gatekeeping. If someone has these tendencies, they tend to be evident at work as well.
Do perfectionists burn out?
Perfectionists at work can deliver some fantastic results. But perfectionists are also at risk of burning out because nothing is ever good enough, and they drive themselves to perform continually.
So what happens when the perfectionist mother returns to work after maternity leave? With the added complexity of parenting and working, you have someone who is carrying the need to perform in all areas of their life, potentially closing the gate for support, especially at home. This behaviour is often also associated with a ‘threat drive’ loop – operating from a place of threat brain (associated with the hormones cortisol and adrenaline) and moving to a place of ‘Drive’ brain (associated with dopamine) in order to accomplish, achieve and overcome. This toxic ‘threat drive’ loop is addictive, damaging and not sustainable (Dr Nelisha Wickremasinghe***).
All of this, together with the overwhelm of returning to work and the complex array of emotions that a returning mum will be experiencing, and you have a sensitive and potentially difficult situation to manage, which could result in you losing one of your best assets.
Maybe they’re stuck in paralysis!
So, how can you spot the returning women who are stuck in this perfectionist ‘threat drive’ loop? And more importantly, how can you help them? Perfectionists deliver. They work hard, and they push themselves hard. When they’re stretched, you might see them becoming even more perfectionist – nothing is ever good enough. They work long hours, and they get stuff done. Or maybe they’re stuck in paralysis – so much to do and no chance of performing to a high enough standard, and they get stuck. All of these are signs of someone who needs to let go, allow people to help them and lower their expectations.
The pain of being a perfectionist
It’s a painful place being a perfectionist, so tread carefully. If someone has always got validation from performing, accepting help or lowering their standards may feel like failure. This is where coaching can help. A confidential, safe space for women to explore why they might be gatekeeping at home, and how their perfectionism is showing up at work.
They can start to set more realistic expectations and learn to accept help. After all, if you’ve got a perfectionist in your team, you want them to continue to be an asset, not burn out and leave. To read more about the behaviours and attitudes at work that contribute to women feeling like they need to do everything, read my earlier blog:
https://ruthmoodycoaching.co.uk/36-hours-of-labour-of-course-i-know-what-hard-work-is/
28% of women leave the workforce
Handled in the right way, your returning women who set high standards and drive for perfection will shine and deliver, especially with the greater focus and efficiency that comes from becoming a mother. Poorly handled, and your high-performing women could end up in the 28% of women who leave the workforce.
If you’d like to know more about how you can spot women who are struggling with perfectionism and how to nurture their talent for the future, give me a call. I’d be happy to share my experiences.
***https://www.triarchypress.net/beyondthreat.html
